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We just find certain people more irritating than others, don’t we? But what if the people who get under your skin could tell you more about yourself than about them?
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Therapist Ajay Khandelwal invites you to try a thought experiment to discover something more about yourself
Do you want to find out more about yourself? Well, try this experiment. Are you sitting comfortably? Get yourself some paper and a pen.
Think of two or three people who really irritate you. When I say irritate you, I mean people who literally get under your skin. Even if you try and behave in a civilised manner with them, you cannot help but get hot under the collar. You have a genuine, uncontrolled, physical reaction to these individuals. Something in them really disturbs you. If you search your memories, try and find a few people like this. They could be family members, celebrities, work colleagues, or even fictional characters. Ok, so write down their initials.
Now think about the specific “quality” or “attribute” about them that annoys you. What is it about them that infuriates you? Are they selfish, arrogant, stupid, lazy….? Write down whatever comes into your mind, and just jot it down. Don’t think about it too much at this stage. It might look like this:
J.B: Lazy
R.F: Selfish
Obviously, write down whatever works for you. The litmus test is that it has to get UNDER YOUR SKIN. You may be fairly dispassionate about a murderer, but you may feel agitated about your “selfish” neighbour who is having building works done. This does not have to be a rational process. In fact, the more irrational and uncontrollable the process, the more likely it is to be on the money.
Once you have done that I’d like you to put your pen down. Take a breath, get comfortable. Try and distance yourself from the agitation. Breathe normally. Now what I am going to say here is a bit controversial, so don’t shoot the messenger. The qualities you have written down are actually qualities in you. “No way” you say; those qualities are the very opposite of me. I could not be more different to J.B. or R.F! You continue, “I’m a million miles away from them in terms of personality”. You plead, “I am NOT lazy. If anything I am noted to be an industrious person. I am not SELFISH, in fact I am known as a self-sacrificing person.”
So, you may have a point. Consciously, you may well be a hardworking and caring person. In fact as you grew up, people complimented you on those very qualities. You even became a social worker who worked hard for other people. You were the very opposite of selfish and lazy. True. But where did those qualities of laziness and selfishness go? We are humans not gods, so they don’t just disappear. They may have gone deep into the unconscious, or shadow. You have no connection with those parts of you. Therefore you have to find someone outside you to hang those “distasteful” qualities on.
The psyche doesn’t just randomly assign qualities to others. It generally finds good candidates! So J.B. may well be the laziest person around, and R.F. maybe nauseatingly selfish. But they fact that you have a bodily, physical and psychological reaction to them suggests that there is more going on. They are stirring up something that lies dormant in you. There may be selfishness and laziness in you that you are completely unaware of, but is spotted by those around you. In fact they even get in to arguments with you about it when this side of you erupts, or ruins the day. The shadow aspects, which are being projected out onto others, may also provide clues about your unlived life. For instance, the imaginary social worker may need to get a bit more selfish, and leave work on time, and take care of themselves, otherwise they are heading for a heart attack.
I have to say, this is rather distasteful work. You may feel that you have been tricked. This can’t possibly be true. You are not X and Y (the attributes you find so disturbing), but the other person is definitely X and Y! Of course, you do have a point, but why would you be getting so crazy about it, if it didn’t have something to do with you? There are lots of annoying people out there, but you can rub along with a good number of them without any psychological irritation. Yet some people stick out, and really get to you. That’s the sign that they are telling you as much about your own unconscious material and they are telling you about the world out there.
Still, if you are able to mine this information, it can be very rewarding. Subtle inner shifts, as you being to recognise those previously disowned qualities in yourself, can bring about new possibilities and different relationship dynamics. For instance, you might even begin to see the value in “X” and “Y”; perhaps laziness has its place in the scheme of things; after all doesn’t lazing about allow you to really be with yourself and others in special, unpressured ways? And being selfish, well isn’t that good sometimes? At least all the aggression and desire is upfront; you know where you stand with a selfish person!
Next time you press your car horn and fume about another person’s bad behaviour, take a pause to think about your own. Yes, they really are a bad driver! But what is being stirred up inside you and what does that mean for you? You may want to get even with them, but maybe a more interesting route is to get curious about yourself.
Ajay Khandelwal is a verified welldoing.org therapist in Central London
Further reading
Meghan Markle and the psychology of media backlash
The psychology of money
The psychology of home
The psychology of freedom
FAQs
What does it mean if someone gets under your skin?
irritate or upset someone
How do I stop getting under my skin?
Here are five ways to not let difficult people ruin your day.
- Stop talking about how miserable they are. …
- Stop creating fake scenarios in your mind. …
- Find reasons to be thankful for the difficult person. …
- Set boundaries. …
- If you continually have a difficult time with people, consider the difficult person may be you.
13 thg 6, 2017
What does getting under someone mean?
to annoy someone: Jack really gets under my skin – he never buys anyone a drink. SMART Vocabulary: related words and phrases. Causing feelings of anger and displeasure. aggravate.
What does it mean to be comfortable in your skin?
(idiomatic) Relaxed and confident in one’s manner of presenting oneself and interacting with others; conveying the impression that one has a clear, satisfying understanding of one’s own abilities and situation.
This Might be Why That Person Gets Under Your Skin
This Might be Why That Person Gets Under Your Skin We just find certain people more irritating than others, don’t we? But what if the people who get under your skin could tell you more about yourself than about them? Therapist Ajay Khandelwal invites you to try a thought experiment to discover something more about yourself Do you want to find out more about yourself? Well, try this experiment. Are you sitting comfortably? Get yourself some paper and a pen. Think of two or three people who really irritate you. When I say irritate you, I mean people who literally get under your skin. Even if you try and behave in a civilised manner with them, you cannot help but get hot under the collar. You have a genuine, uncontrolled, physical reaction to these individuals. Something in them really disturbs you. If you search your memories, try and find a few people like this. They could be family members, celebrities, work colleagues, or even fictional characters. Ok, so write down their initials. Now think about the specific “quality” or “attribute” about them that annoys you. What is it about them that infuriates you? Are they selfish, arrogant, stupid, lazy….? Write down whatever comes into your mind, and just jot it down. Don’t think about it too much at this stage. It might look like this: J.B: Lazy R.F: Selfish Obviously, write down whatever works for you. The litmus test is that it has to get UNDER YOUR SKIN. You may be fairly dispassionate about a murderer, but you may feel agitated about your “selfish” neighbour who is having building works done. This does not have to be a rational process. In fact, the more irrational and uncontrollable the process, the more likely it is to be on the money. Once you have done that I’d like you to put your pen down. Take a breath, get comfortable. Try and distance yourself from the agitation. Breathe normally. Now what I am going to say here is a bit controversial, so don’t shoot the messenger. The qualities you have written down are actually qualities in you. “No way” you say; those qualities are the very opposite of me. I could not be more different to J.B. or R.F! You continue, “I’m a million miles away from them in terms of personality”. You plead, “I am NOT lazy. If anything I am noted to be an industrious person. I am not SELFISH, in fact I am known as a self-sacrificing person.” So, you may have a point. Consciously, you may well be a hardworking and caring person. In fact as you grew up, people complimented you on those very qualities. You even became a social worker who worked hard for other people. You were the very opposite of selfish and lazy. True. But where did those qualities of laziness and selfishness go? We are humans not gods, so they don’t just disappear. They may have gone deep into the unconscious, or shadow. You have no connection with those parts of you. Therefore you have to find someone outside you to hang those “distasteful” qualities on. The psyche doesn’t just randomly assign qualities to others. It generally finds good candidates! So J.B. may well be the laziest person around, and R.F. maybe nauseatingly selfish. But they fact that you have a bodily, physical and psychological reaction to them suggests that there is more going on. They are stirring up something that lies dormant in you. There may be selfishness and laziness in you that you are completely unaware of, but is spotted by those around you. In fact…
The 2 Reasons Why Someone Will Get Under Your Skin
The 2 Reasons Why Someone Will Get Under Your Skin – Miriam Meima – MediumYou know that feeling when you’re interacting with someone that just gets to you? For me it’s a combo of an eye bugging out of frustration (which I can usually hide) and a gut tightening mixed with pulling away.My clients are usually experiencing this with someone at work. The person that is annoying just because he/she is in the room. Worse is when this person opens his/her mouth in a meeting or sends an email. In this moment, reading this post, it may seem ridiculous. I promise most of us have had this experience at some point.Often a friend or client is bringing up this dynamic either with a hint of embarrassment and just asking “what can I do???” Sometimes it comes up with a desire to vent — the frustration has built so much it needs to be let out.My response is usually: “You have a learning buddy!” Having been in this dynamic myself I know it’s not always fun to hear this response from a friend/coach/advisor, although it has always been true. By “learning buddy” I am referring to someone who is uniquely set-up to teach something. The good news is there isn’t anything that needs to be “processed” directly with a learning buddy in order to learn, all of the necessary self-development can happen on your end. Often simply seeing the person through a different lens shifts the dynamic, lessening the intense reactions that used to happen.When it comes down to it, here are the two reasons that someone can get under our skin:(1) This person reminds us of some part of ourselves we are ignoring or rejecting.When I was 16 I worked at a data research facility (yes, I have always loved data). My parents were divorced and I rotated between their houses one week at a time. I remember one weekend that I was staying with my Dad I got a message from my mom (on the answering machine). After months of hard winter in Michigan she was hopping in the car and driving south. She wasn’t sure when she would be back because she wasn’t sure how far she would need to go to get warm. The strongest thought in my head was “why do I have to be the responsible one?!?!”. This is hilarious because she was paying the mortgage and keeping the fridge stocked and taking care of countless other responsibilities. I didn’t see that though. All I saw and felt was how wrong she was and how hard I was working (school, work, life…it all felt overwhelming). I know now that what I wanted was to say was “me too! I’m coming with you!” It would take me another decade to learn that deep-down I was fun-loving and adventurous and spontaneous. I was working so hard at being responsible that I kept all of that buried deep inside.(2) This person is exhibiting behavior we don’t allow ourselves to even consider.Years ago I was a classic co-dependent, pitting the needs of almost everyone else above my own. This meant that when I was…
7 Signs Someone Is Trying To Get Under Your Skin (And …
7 Signs Someone Is Trying To Get Under Your Skin (And, What To Do) • Signs You Are… Last updated on September 16th, 2022 at 09:14 amNo matter how positive or patient you are, there’s always that one person you get to meet that never fails to annoy you. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about them. But, it’s better if you ignore them or don’t take them really seriously, as early as you can. If you notice the early signs that someone is trying to get under your skin, you don’t have to deal with anything they do or say. And, to help you deal with such irritants, here are some tips to follow when someone gets on your nerves. You don’t need to waste any more time dealing with annoying folks. 7 Signs Someone Tries To Get Under Your Skin Not necessarily that person is your talkative or selfish friend. It could be the person sitting next to you at work, or it could even be a sibling or parent. Well, you need to be on the watch for signs that prove someone is trying to make you mad, panicked, or disappointed. Just don’t let them get you. 1. Someone starts to ignore you. If you refuse to do anything which they want from you or do not agree with them, you’re likely to receive silent treatment from them. They simply can’t see and accept that they could be wrong. Indeed, that ignorance you have from your friends, or the silence from your partner, family member, or anyone are part of their passive-aggressive behavior towards you. 2. Someone becomes dangerous and toxic, eventually. Being around dangerous people makes you feel worthless. Suddenly you lose all of your excitement and enthusiasm. You tend to feel sad, negative, and toxic to anything and anyone. Just because of ‘that’ person. If someone’s presence is off-putting and their every word is destroying your confidence, such are signs that person is trying to get under your skin. Better to Stay away from them, that’s good for you. 3. Someone who is always critical of you. There will always be someone who never has something nice or positive to say about you. No matter how good you perform or how many right things you do, they never praise you. But they’re often the first to criticize when something doesn’t go as planned. Negative comments, criticism, and praising others to undermine you are signs that someone might be getting under your skin; maybe it’s your manager or colleague at work. Check other: Signs You Can’t Focus On Anything 4. Someone makes you feel you’re not good enough. They always make you feel that you’re unattractive or simply unfit for them. Well, such negativity doesn’t just come from any outsider, but also from your home, too. It could be your parents and family who don’t care about you or friends who just don’t like you without having any reason why. Someone who pulls you down constantly is not someone you want in your life. 5. Someone abandons performing their responsibilities. All of a sudden, they stop doing their chores and the things they are responsible for. It…
Getting Under Your Skin: How To Respond?
Getting Under Your Skin: How To Respond? What happens when a client or colleague says something that really gets under your skin? (We’re all human and this happens to us more frequently than we would like to admit). Do you tend to get defensive and make a snarky comment, or freeze up because you’re in shock and not quite sure what to say? Or perhaps you avoid addressing it directly and grow resentful? How you respond when someone gets under your skin or triggers you can have long lasting effects. As a leader, what you say and do can either motivate others and build relationships or demoralize and alienate people. We’re not always aware of how our actions affect others—especially when we are in an emotionally charged situation. Most Underrated Leadership Superpower Perhaps the most underrated leadership superpower is self-awareness. When we are truly self-aware, we are able to recognize in the moment that something has tripped our wire, and we are able to step back and choose how to respond. This is at the heart of Emotional Intelligence. But how exactly does this play out in real-life work situations? In this post, I will share a personal experience I had with a colleague to illustrate a simple model for applying self-awareness in the heat of the moment and responding thoughtfully rather than reacting. Download Our Emotional Intelligence InfoGraphic The Heat of the Moment Some years ago, a new colleague was shadowing me at a program that I was leading for a client. I was excited to share the experience with this person who was talented, bright and creative. I could tell that the session itself went extremely well. People were actively engaged and the evaluations we received supported this with high praise. I felt really proud of how well this project went and was excited to hear what my new colleague thought. As we were packing up, I asked this colleague for thoughts. The response was much less enthusiastic, and came across as extremely judgmental, with no actionable feedback. I was shocked, angry and hurt. I frankly, didn’t know what to say—which was probably a good thing since I was in the thick of these emotions. In the moment, I knew how badly I felt, but had to digest what I was feeling for a few days before I could really articulate what bothered me about my colleague’s comments and address the issue directly. The Neuroscience of Reactions As an Economics major in college, the first thing I was taught in Economics 101 was that humans are rational beings. Throughout life, and in my career as an Executive Coach, I have learned that this could not be further from the truth. We are emotional beings, first and foremost. As humans, we are wired for lightning-fast reactions to threats to our safety. And while the rational part of our brain knows that a colleague’s dismissive comment doesn’t have the same killer teeth of a tiger, the part of our brain that fends off threats can’t discern between emotional threats and physical ones. Emotional Hijack Once a threat is identified, this emotional part of our brain hijacks rational thinking to marshall all resources for a defensive reaction: striking out, taking off or shutting down. It happens in a flash. You might recognize the physical reactions: heart pounding, a blast of energy, difficulty thinking, tensing of your muscles. You may feel an impulse to strike back verbally with something that you could regret later. You may find your mind going completely blank. These are all reactions that have been triggered by something that our brain perceives to be an attack or threat. If you are a leader who wants to build strong teams and a productive culture, little good comes from acting out when you are in the…
Why do people purposely try to get under your skin? – Fluther
Why do people purposely try to get under your skin? Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0 11 Answers Some people are so desparate for attention, they will get it any way they can. It’s pretty pathetic, but it happens all the time. Sometimes it’s just in there personality. It could be intentional or unintentional. Some do it for the attention and, some do it because they can. Babyg, now that you know WHY they do it (because scamp and robby got it figured out for you), would you like to know what to do about it? Ask fluther. I know we can fix this. What can I do about it? Find another way to channel that aggression; exercise self control, and if those options don’t work, them tell that person how you feel and why. I do have self control. I try not to let it bother me, but it is constantly in my face. I have told them many many many times that it gets on my nerves, but they don’t seem to care. Response moderated Then get away from that person; your ‘many things’ concept seems to be personality-based rather than issue-based. If you can’t maintain objectivity then you have a personal bone to pick with that person IMO. Also, if this person is someone in your work environment, talk to an HR representative rather than taking it up with that person-confronting them can be misinterpreted as harassment (you harassing them), esp. if that person is in a position of authority. IAC, if the situation is appropriate, set up a meeting with that other person and a mutually recognized neutral moderator, and have a civil discussion face to face about specifics incidents rather than general behaviors. Lastly, you can research conflict resolution strategies (Internet) prior to meeting that person face to face. It could also help you to learn to use “I” statements (another conflict resolution technique). Avoiding the issue/person may only exacerbate the problem for you, while that person goes a-happily trucking along and irritating you! I would suggest it is in an effort to make themselves feel better or bigger in comparison to your reaction. I have a twin brother who built his entire High school life on that. Others, they can’t succeed by achievement, or don’t think they can, so they try to succeed by your failure. If you know they are pushing your buttons, try to be hyper aware of why and it truly almost becomes comical in that they are that desparate. ESPECIALLY as adults. Haruki Murakami goes for a run whenever people get under his skin – link – maybe give that a go? They usually unhappy with themselves. Answer this question This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic. Your answer will be saved while you login or join.
Top 3 Reasons People Get Under Our Skin
Top 3 Reasons People Get Under Our Skin – Surpass Your GoalsAbout the authorRobinRobin Lavitch, MA, CPC, is the founder of Surpass Your Goals, a coaching practice for entrepreneurs, executives, tweens, school administrators, and more. Her capacity to connect with audiences, elicit thought-provoking ideas and clarify personal ambitions prepares people to apply that knowledge instantaneously to accelerate their own results in leadership, sales, and time management.
He stares at me like a challenge, says things to get under my …
He stares at me like a challenge, says things to get under my skin. What’s that about?A female , anonymous writes:Alright, I need to get to the bottom of this guy. Im 22, he’s 25. He’s a friend of my friend, and we hang out on occasion. I know when a guy likes me normally, but for the life of me, I cannot figure this one out. I know guys do that thing where they stare at you, but when you look at them, they look away real quick. Well I’ll feel him stare but he does it even when I look at him, so then we have this strange intense eye lock sort of thing, and he will not look away. its as though he’s challenging me. I take it as a “challenge” because he’s always saying little things that I believe he says to “get under my skin”. He’ll say things he knows I’ll disagree with, almost to get a rise out of me. THe thing is, he has a girlfriend, so it can’t be that he likes me, right? what else would he be doing this for? just to be a pain in the ass? the thing is also that when other people aren’t around, he talks to me kind of nicely. please if someone knows anything, help! thank you. View related questions: has a girlfriend12345